Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Choose your Ward!! A little mormon humor.....

I found this article to be hilarious!! Thanks Kay for the laughs!!
I promise you if I could choose my ward, I'd choose FAIRFIELD!!!

Choose your ward
Find your niche in specialty wards

Robert Kirby Tribune columnist - Salt Lake Tribune

Most Sunday mornings, you'll find me on a pew in the Rosecrest 1st Ward
chapel. It's where I'm supposed to go to church. Lucky for me, it's also
where I want to go. Technically, Mormons don't have a choice. For
church, we're bound by the geography of the ward boundary. We worship
where we live.

The only time Mormons can switch wards without also contacting a Realtor
is when we attend specialty wards.
For example, I went to a Spanish-speaking ward in
West Jordan for a while.
Specialty wards allow members with specific common needs to worship
together and support each other in their exclusive part of the Lord's
There are (or have been) lots of LDS specialty wards,
including singles wards, college wards, deaf wards, ethnic wards and
nudist wards.

OK, I made up that last one. There are even seasonal "snowbird wards"
in places where Mormon RV owners congregate.

I talked it over with my friend and we think the specialty-ward idea needs to be improved on in our ever-changing and increasingly divided culture.

For example:

  • There needs to be a late ward, a ward where Mormons who are perpetually late for church could attend and not feel bad about dragging their herd in 15 minutes late. The only problem with a late ward would be showing up late for a meeting that was supposed to start late in the first place. Eventually, you would end up with a ward that ran out of time before it started. "Welcome to the Tardy 3rd Ward, brothers and sisters. We will close now by singing hymn No.. 145."
  • Given the high birthrate among Mormons, I thought about the need for maternity wards. Except that we already have those. They're called married student wards.
  • A Star Trek ward might do well. The bishop would preside from "the bridge" instead of the stand. High-council Sunday would be referred to as a "Klingon Sunday."
  • Harley riders congregate to the exclusion of just about everyone else.Why not an LDS biker ward? White shirts and neckties go well with black leather.
  • Ken really wants to attend a concealed-weapons ward. He says church would be a lot more interesting if real personal risks were involved in disagreeing with a lesson.
  • There could be a texting ward for teenagers. Bear your testimony withyour thumb. In 25 years, they'll all belong to carpal-tunnel wards.
  • At the less-active ward, maybe there'll be a meeting and maybe there won't.
  • Testimony meeting in an anger-management ward might be interesting.Nobody's going to sleep through, "HEY! I KNOW THE CHURCH IS TRUE, STUPID!"
  • A big hit would be the Multi Level Marketing ward, also known as a "Gadianton robber ward." With all the financial scamming that goes on in this culture, it would be nice to have them all in one place for a three-hour block weekly.
  • I think a Democrat ward is a good idea, although in Utah the best we could probably hope for is a Democrat branch.


Paula said...

Hilarious! Sat here laughing out loud all by myself!

Erin & Matt said...

That is really funny, thanks for posting!

The Hills said...

so funny! tyson and i would belong to the late ward :)